The Path

I’m not feeling a story today. Vulnerability is present. It’s a strange feeling. I like to think I’m not concerned with control but I want to be something I’m obviously not and it’s very transparent. Why can’t I simply just be? Why must I push when I know how see-through I am? I guess the bigger question is why, when faced with someone who can see right through me, do I proceed to try to hide behind words and rhetoric. Am I so used to people so about themselves that when I am faced with someone genuine I become the person only about myself? Yes is obviously this answer! I want to be like her. I want to be driven and be able to see past my life. I feel small and insignificant around her yet strangely comfortable and at home. Am I in love? Am I envious or jealous? Or simply just enamored? I don’t know but I feel nervous and scared and I can’t wait to see her again! When does life come through and put me on a path? Is this a path? Is it “the” path or just another learning experience? I don’t know but I feel nervous and scared. Why do I so want her approval? Why is my approval not enough? Maybe because I don’t approve of myself and who I am and how I act. Is this a story or just me being vulnerable? My brain is twisted. It’s hard to focus on anything. Wow I’m a mess. Definitely not a story just a random scattering of my panic. My heart is racing. Where is my strength? My assuredness? This is not a story but I’d be so glad to turn the page!!!

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