I’m not feeling a story today. Vulnerability is present. It’s a strange feeling. I like to think I’m not concerned with control but I want to be something I’m obviously not and it’s very transparent. Why can’t I simply just be? Why must I push when I know how see-through I am? I guess the bigger question is why, when faced with someone who can see right through me, do I proceed to try to hide behind words and rhetoric. Am I so used to people so about themselves that when I am faced with someone genuine I become the person only about myself? Yes is obviously this answer! I want to be like her. I want to be driven and be able to see past my life. I feel small and insignificant around her yet strangely comfortable and at home. Am I in love? Am I envious or jealous? Or simply just enamored? I don’t know but I feel nervous and scared and I can’t wait to see her again! When does life come through and put me on a path? Is this a path? Is it “the” path or just another learning experience? I don’t know but I feel nervous and scared. Why do I so want her approval? Why is my approval not enough? Maybe because I don’t approve of myself and who I am and how I act. Is this a story or just me being vulnerable? My brain is twisted. It’s hard to focus on anything. Wow I’m a mess. Definitely not a story just a random scattering of my panic. My heart is racing. Where is my strength? My assuredness? This is not a story but I’d be so glad to turn the page!!!
Well it’ been a great trip back to where I grew up. I had my 102nd family reunion and I’m marrying off a good friend. That being said I’ve had lots of time with family and working locally in the community. It’s reminded me really who I am and where I’m truly from. As we get older we view our past through the lens of our memory, which is corrupted so to speak by emotion and nostalgia. I walk through my local square and see the memorial to Confederate soldiers erected in 1906 literally right beside tiles in the sidewalk dedicated to “famous” Television shows and movies that were filmed here including “The Dukes of Hazard” television series. Such a bizarre sight of history and unique sense of pride.
Spending time with my family was great. My aunt just turned 85 and for the first time in years we all got together to celebrate and reminisce. Where I’m going with this is to say for the first time I think in my life I was able to embrace my entire upbringing through adult eyes. From the racism that most obviously happened here to my family growing up in that era and not passing hate on to me and letting me make my mind up on how the town and community would challenge and inspire me. We all come from places that have it’s own opportunities and challenges that we either spend time embracing or spend time denying. The reality is that all of that makes us who we are. The good and the bad. I guess you have to be comfortable with your life to be able to see all of that but it is very liberating to be able to understand it all and how it molded you.
I would like to challenge everyone to truly soak in everything that is who you are and where you are from. The bad is probably more impactful than the good but all are part of our DNA. As a people we have become very entitled and righteous but at some point we have lost our pride of self. I think that is because we are denying who we really are and how that affects our decisions and we spend so much time wanting to showcase the parts we have worked so hard to create. The problem is you can build a beautiful house but if the foundation isn’t solid all is for naught.
So I pretty much think I have seen and heard most of the simply outrageous things in my life but today I was smacked in the face with something I just needed to share.
A high school friend was telling a story of her son and a friend sitting in a courtyard before school meditating to try to prepare their minds for school. For most of us this sounds like something we all should have done rather than large amounts of not preparing that me and my friends all worked hard at doing. Anyway, another kid saw them and turned them into the school administration as worshiping the Devil! First off wtf and second and thirdly WTF!! They get scolded by some uninvolved administrator and went about their day but before her story was over, she rather nonchalantly, as if common place even, mentioned that not long ago someone judged her yoga practice because yoga is….. wait for it….. “of the Devil!” Seriously?!?! I realized right then that in no way can I let that go so here we are.
I have wondered today what makes people lash out and be so quick to judge especially in the name of christianity where everyone is taught that only God can judge. This sort of thing is not new and I get that, nor is it exclusively a Southern thing btw, but I feel as if some just need a reason to judge others so they can feel better about themselves. Why must so many try to remain so small? The world is a big place and much much older than any of our families. Why is it that education or expansion of the mind is viewed as bad at some point? I mean by that logic, no one would have followed Jesus cause he was saying some new shit for his time(there are many holes in that statement but for the sake of this argument let’s let my timeline and actions just be as to not derail my point). When I was a kid I remember the stories of bands and devil worship. KISS meant Knights In Satan’s Service and AC/DC meant Anti Christ Devils Children. I think someone even came up with one for Van Halen but I think it was too many words for even haters to remember. And besides everyone loved Diamond Dave and EVH. Anyway, who took the time to come up with this and work so hard pre-internet to get the word out. The world takes all kinds and fear should not be our factor to judge anything. This fear is there to push us out of our safety zone to grow as a person and as a people. I’d like to think we all have the capacity to grow and move away from hard lines in some of our positions. As my mom would say, “How boring would this world be if everyone always agreed and thought the same?” It’s as true now as it was then. I’d like to challenge all of us to find something we feel strongly on and find someone with a different point of view and at least entertain it if for nothing else to just know that there are some out there that are not on your wavelength. These people probably have an impact on your life by either buying a product you make or sell or frequent an establishment you are a part of. Don’t we owe it to our kids and our planet to at least try to get to know our neighbor?